BODIES IN THE GRAVEYARD by Claire Buss
SCENE ONE
Set in a graveyard, early in the morning, in present day Barking. There is a body lying on the ground. Enter GEORGE, an old man dressed in winter clothing with a flat cap and his dog SHEP. GEORGE walks through the graveyard and discovers a body. He fumbles for his mobile phone and makes a call. Enter female TELEPHONE OPERATOR who stands on the side of the stage.
TELE OP: 101, how may I help?
GEORGE: Good morning miss. (GEORGE pats the head of his dog.) I appear to have found a dead body.
TELE OP: Are you sure the person is dead sir?
GEORGE: Well... (GEORGE peers down at the body on the ground..) I haven't made any investigations, it's more of an observation.
TELE OP: It's important that you check for a pulse sir. Do you understand?
GEORGE: Right, if you think it's best. (GEORGE carefully bends over the body and gingerly presses his fingers to the neck of the corpse. He sighs heavily then stands upright.) It's as I expected miss, there's no pulse.
TELE OP: Okay sir, thank you. I need you to tell me where you are.
GEORGE: Yes, of course. I'm in the graveyard – Barking Abbey graveyard.
TELE OP: Is this a joke? Wasting police time is a serious offence.
GEORGE: I'll have you know young lady, that George Fennyweather is neither a liar nor a time waster.
TELE OP: Of course sir. I'm sending a patrol out to your location as we speak. It's vitally important that you stay where you are.
Wailing sirens in the distance.
GEORGE: I understand. Do I need to do anything else?
TELE OP: No sir. Just stay with the body and try not to contaminate the scene. There's no need to touch anything else.
GEORGE: Right you are then. Would it be alright if I finished the call? It's just that I'm pay as you go and I'm on a fixed income you know.
TELE OP: I'd just like to keep you on the line until the on scene crime team arrive sir. They should be with you any minute now.
GEORGE sits down on a tombstone and waits. Enter PC BRYANT and PC DICKENS.
GEORGE: Two policemen have just arrived. Can I go now?
TELE OP: Yes sir. PC Bryant and Dickens have radioed in to say they are at the scene. I'll leave you in their capable hands. Have a good day sir.
Exit the TELEPHONE OPERATIVE.
GEORGE: Good morning officers.
PC BRYANT and DICKENS nod a greeting. PC BRYANT takes a notebook and pen out of his pocket.
BRYANT: Good morning Mr Fennyworth, my name is PC Bryant and this is my collegue PC Dickens. (PC BRYANT points at PC DICKENS.) I'd like to take your statement please sir. You called 101 approximately five minutes ago, is that correct?
GEORGE: Yes that's right. Shep and I were out walking. We like to walk early because there's less people. We cut through the graveyard over there (GEORGE points) and found this body here. (GEORGE points again.)
BRYANT: Did you happen to see anyone else in the graveyard Mr Fennyworth?
GEORGE: No, not this morning. (GEORGE looks across the graveyard to the side of the church where another tomb is located nearby making a shelter from the weather.) Not even Homeless Herbert was here this morning.
BRYANT: Could you describe him for me please sir?
GEORGE shrugs.
GEORGE: I don't know really. He's usually all wrapped up in there and I can't say I've ever taken it upon myself to get too close. (GEORGE leans closer to the policemen and speaks in a loud whisper.) You're never quite sure what they've got are you? Could be catching for all I know.
BRYANT: Okay then sir. I'm going to need some contact details and we'll be in touch if we need you to come in a give a full statement.
GEORGE: Yes. That's fine son – I don't get out much so anytime, anytime. (GEORGE gestures at the notepad.) You ready? My home number is 020 8591 1028.
BRYANT: Thank you sir, we'll be in touch.
GEORGE touches his forefinger to his head , calls his dog to attention and then slowly exits.
SCENE TWO
Set on the street, outside a cafe with tables and chairs set up outside. GEORGE is walking towards the cafe.
GEORGE: Didn't even get a bloody cup of tea out of it eh Shep.
GEORGE ties his dog up to an empty chair and then sits down heavily, waving to get the attention of the waitress. Enter MAGDA.
MAGDA: (Speaking with an eastern european accent) Good Morning George – how are we today?
GEORGE: Hell of a morning Magda, hell of a morning. Better make it a strong cuppa today please love. And I'll have one of those sticky buns. You know the ones I like.
MAGDA: Of course George.
MAGDA exits.
GEORGE: (Speaking to his dog) Such a lovely young lass eh Shep. Shame about being foreign and all but I do like the way she says George.
SCENE THREE
Set in a graveyard, early in the morning, in present day Barking. There is a body lying on the ground. Enter GEORGE, an old man dressed in winter clothing with a flat cap and his dog SHEP. SHEP beings tugging sharply on his lead and barking.
GEORGE: What is it lad? What have you found? (Discovers another dead body.) Well I'll be..
GEORGE fumbles for his mobile phone and makes a call. Enter male TELEPHONE OPERATOR who stands on the side of the stage.
PHONE OP: 101, how can I help.
GEORGE: Right young man, it's George Fennyworth on the phone and I've found another one.
PHONE OP: Another what sir?
GEORGE: Dead body is what. And I'm not too happy about it.
PHONE OP: Have you tried giving CPR sir? Is there anyone else available to assist?
GEORGE: CP what? No, there's no-one here, just Shep and me. Shall I check for a pulse like last time?
PHONE OP: Last time? (Pauses.) Yes, sir, please check for a pulse.
GEORGE bends down awkwardly and tries to find a pulse.
GEORGE: No, just like the last one. It's dead alright.
PHONE OP: Okay then sir, now, where are you?
GEORGE: I'm in Barking Abbey graveyard and no this is not a wind up and yes I will stay here until the police arrive – again! (GEORGE sits down on a tombstone.)
PHONE OP: Err, yes, okay then. Two of our nearest officers will be with you soon, please stay where you are.
GEORGE: Yes, yes fine.
Sirens sound. PC DICKENS and PC BRYANT enter.
GEORGE: The police are here so I'm going to hang up now. (GEORGE stands up slowly.) Morning officers – this is a bit of a turn up isn't it?
DICKENS: Morning Mr Fennyworth. (PC DICKENS takes out his notebook and pen.) Tell me what happened this time.
GEORGE: It was the same as a few days ago – Shep and I out for our normal walk, not been this way for a few days mind because of before. This is the first morning since. I'm not very impressed you know. Man should be able to walk his dog in a graveyard without finding dead bodies. Anyone would think they're doing this to me on purpose.
DICKENS: Did you find the body in this position.
GEORGE: Yes.
DICKENS: Have you touched anything in the crime scene?
GEORGE: No, well I looked for a pulse – like last time – but only because the young lad on the phone told me to. Not by choice.
DICKENS: Did you see anyone else in the graveyard?
GEORGE: No – it was like last time, just us walking. (GEORGE points at the bundle between a tomb and the church wall.) Why don't you ask Homeless Herbert over there what he saw?
DICKENS: Yes, thank you Mr Fennyworth. Do you know the victim?
GEORGE: Never seen him before. (GEORGE cranes his neck round PC DICKENS to get a better look at the corpse.) Nope, doesn't ring a bell with me.
DICKENS: Right sir. Once we've secured the scene we will call you to come down to the station and give a statement.
GEORGE: Do I have time for a cuppa?
DICKENS: Yes sir, it will probably be later this afternoon.
GEORGE: Don't you need to take my contact details then?
DICKENS: No sir, we have you on the system. Any questions?
GEORGE looks at the body on the ground then back up at the policeman. He touches his forefinger to his head and exits slowly.
SCENE FOUR
Set on the street, outside a cafe with tables and chairs set up outside. GEORGE is walking towards the cafe, he ties his dog up to an empty chair and then sits down heavily. Enter MAGDA.
MAGDA: George, what can be the matter?
GEORGE: Strong brew love, a strong brew please.
MAGDA: Anything else George?
GEORGE: No, just the cuppa thanks love.
MAGDA exits. GEORGE sighs heavily and rubs his head with his hands. MAGDA enters and leaves his tea on the table, she has bought him two chocolate digestives. MAGDA exits. GEORGE looks up and smiles.
SCENE FIVE
Set in a graveyard, early in the morning, in present day Barking. Enter GEORGE, an old man dressed in winter clothing with a flat cap and his dog SHEP. GEORGE walks through the graveyard, looking behind every gravestone, every tomb and every tree. Once he gets to the other side GEORGE lets out a relieved sigh yet seems a bit disappointed.
SCENE SIX
Set on the street, outside a cafe with tables and chairs set up outside. GEORGE is walking towards the cafe, he ties his dog up to an empty chair and then sits down. Enter
MAGDA, she stand in the cafe doorway.
MAGDA: Good morning George. What will you have today?
GEORGE: Tea my dear, tea. (GEORGE scratches his head.) Oh, and one of those sticky buns please love.
MAGDA smiles and exits. GEORGE is looking up the street. PC BRYANT and PC DICKENS enter.
GEORGE: Morning officers. Taking a break are we? I can recommend the sticky buns.
BRYANT: No Mr Fennyworth. Making an arrest.
GEORGE: You don't mean me?
Enter MAGDA. When she sees the police she stops suddenly spilling the tea and the sticky bun rolls off the plate onto the floor.
BRYANT: Magda Ugneiska, you are arrested for the murder of Peter Watson and Daniel Browbun. You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do mention when questioned something that you later rely on in court. Anything you do say can be given in evidence. Do you understand?
SHEP starts to eat the sticky bun. PC DICKENS removes the cup and plate from MAGDA's hands and handcuffs her. GEORGE looks sadly at MAGDA and then at the sticky bun. PC BRYANT picks up the sticky bun and puts it into an evidence bag.
BRYANT: I'd take Shep to the vets if I were you Mr Fennyworth. (GEORGE looks up sharply in alarm, one hand on SHEP.) She poisoned them.
-ENDS-
SCENE ONE
Set in a graveyard, early in the morning, in present day Barking. There is a body lying on the ground. Enter GEORGE, an old man dressed in winter clothing with a flat cap and his dog SHEP. GEORGE walks through the graveyard and discovers a body. He fumbles for his mobile phone and makes a call. Enter female TELEPHONE OPERATOR who stands on the side of the stage.
TELE OP: 101, how may I help?
GEORGE: Good morning miss. (GEORGE pats the head of his dog.) I appear to have found a dead body.
TELE OP: Are you sure the person is dead sir?
GEORGE: Well... (GEORGE peers down at the body on the ground..) I haven't made any investigations, it's more of an observation.
TELE OP: It's important that you check for a pulse sir. Do you understand?
GEORGE: Right, if you think it's best. (GEORGE carefully bends over the body and gingerly presses his fingers to the neck of the corpse. He sighs heavily then stands upright.) It's as I expected miss, there's no pulse.
TELE OP: Okay sir, thank you. I need you to tell me where you are.
GEORGE: Yes, of course. I'm in the graveyard – Barking Abbey graveyard.
TELE OP: Is this a joke? Wasting police time is a serious offence.
GEORGE: I'll have you know young lady, that George Fennyweather is neither a liar nor a time waster.
TELE OP: Of course sir. I'm sending a patrol out to your location as we speak. It's vitally important that you stay where you are.
Wailing sirens in the distance.
GEORGE: I understand. Do I need to do anything else?
TELE OP: No sir. Just stay with the body and try not to contaminate the scene. There's no need to touch anything else.
GEORGE: Right you are then. Would it be alright if I finished the call? It's just that I'm pay as you go and I'm on a fixed income you know.
TELE OP: I'd just like to keep you on the line until the on scene crime team arrive sir. They should be with you any minute now.
GEORGE sits down on a tombstone and waits. Enter PC BRYANT and PC DICKENS.
GEORGE: Two policemen have just arrived. Can I go now?
TELE OP: Yes sir. PC Bryant and Dickens have radioed in to say they are at the scene. I'll leave you in their capable hands. Have a good day sir.
Exit the TELEPHONE OPERATIVE.
GEORGE: Good morning officers.
PC BRYANT and DICKENS nod a greeting. PC BRYANT takes a notebook and pen out of his pocket.
BRYANT: Good morning Mr Fennyworth, my name is PC Bryant and this is my collegue PC Dickens. (PC BRYANT points at PC DICKENS.) I'd like to take your statement please sir. You called 101 approximately five minutes ago, is that correct?
GEORGE: Yes that's right. Shep and I were out walking. We like to walk early because there's less people. We cut through the graveyard over there (GEORGE points) and found this body here. (GEORGE points again.)
BRYANT: Did you happen to see anyone else in the graveyard Mr Fennyworth?
GEORGE: No, not this morning. (GEORGE looks across the graveyard to the side of the church where another tomb is located nearby making a shelter from the weather.) Not even Homeless Herbert was here this morning.
BRYANT: Could you describe him for me please sir?
GEORGE shrugs.
GEORGE: I don't know really. He's usually all wrapped up in there and I can't say I've ever taken it upon myself to get too close. (GEORGE leans closer to the policemen and speaks in a loud whisper.) You're never quite sure what they've got are you? Could be catching for all I know.
BRYANT: Okay then sir. I'm going to need some contact details and we'll be in touch if we need you to come in a give a full statement.
GEORGE: Yes. That's fine son – I don't get out much so anytime, anytime. (GEORGE gestures at the notepad.) You ready? My home number is 020 8591 1028.
BRYANT: Thank you sir, we'll be in touch.
GEORGE touches his forefinger to his head , calls his dog to attention and then slowly exits.
SCENE TWO
Set on the street, outside a cafe with tables and chairs set up outside. GEORGE is walking towards the cafe.
GEORGE: Didn't even get a bloody cup of tea out of it eh Shep.
GEORGE ties his dog up to an empty chair and then sits down heavily, waving to get the attention of the waitress. Enter MAGDA.
MAGDA: (Speaking with an eastern european accent) Good Morning George – how are we today?
GEORGE: Hell of a morning Magda, hell of a morning. Better make it a strong cuppa today please love. And I'll have one of those sticky buns. You know the ones I like.
MAGDA: Of course George.
MAGDA exits.
GEORGE: (Speaking to his dog) Such a lovely young lass eh Shep. Shame about being foreign and all but I do like the way she says George.
SCENE THREE
Set in a graveyard, early in the morning, in present day Barking. There is a body lying on the ground. Enter GEORGE, an old man dressed in winter clothing with a flat cap and his dog SHEP. SHEP beings tugging sharply on his lead and barking.
GEORGE: What is it lad? What have you found? (Discovers another dead body.) Well I'll be..
GEORGE fumbles for his mobile phone and makes a call. Enter male TELEPHONE OPERATOR who stands on the side of the stage.
PHONE OP: 101, how can I help.
GEORGE: Right young man, it's George Fennyworth on the phone and I've found another one.
PHONE OP: Another what sir?
GEORGE: Dead body is what. And I'm not too happy about it.
PHONE OP: Have you tried giving CPR sir? Is there anyone else available to assist?
GEORGE: CP what? No, there's no-one here, just Shep and me. Shall I check for a pulse like last time?
PHONE OP: Last time? (Pauses.) Yes, sir, please check for a pulse.
GEORGE bends down awkwardly and tries to find a pulse.
GEORGE: No, just like the last one. It's dead alright.
PHONE OP: Okay then sir, now, where are you?
GEORGE: I'm in Barking Abbey graveyard and no this is not a wind up and yes I will stay here until the police arrive – again! (GEORGE sits down on a tombstone.)
PHONE OP: Err, yes, okay then. Two of our nearest officers will be with you soon, please stay where you are.
GEORGE: Yes, yes fine.
Sirens sound. PC DICKENS and PC BRYANT enter.
GEORGE: The police are here so I'm going to hang up now. (GEORGE stands up slowly.) Morning officers – this is a bit of a turn up isn't it?
DICKENS: Morning Mr Fennyworth. (PC DICKENS takes out his notebook and pen.) Tell me what happened this time.
GEORGE: It was the same as a few days ago – Shep and I out for our normal walk, not been this way for a few days mind because of before. This is the first morning since. I'm not very impressed you know. Man should be able to walk his dog in a graveyard without finding dead bodies. Anyone would think they're doing this to me on purpose.
DICKENS: Did you find the body in this position.
GEORGE: Yes.
DICKENS: Have you touched anything in the crime scene?
GEORGE: No, well I looked for a pulse – like last time – but only because the young lad on the phone told me to. Not by choice.
DICKENS: Did you see anyone else in the graveyard?
GEORGE: No – it was like last time, just us walking. (GEORGE points at the bundle between a tomb and the church wall.) Why don't you ask Homeless Herbert over there what he saw?
DICKENS: Yes, thank you Mr Fennyworth. Do you know the victim?
GEORGE: Never seen him before. (GEORGE cranes his neck round PC DICKENS to get a better look at the corpse.) Nope, doesn't ring a bell with me.
DICKENS: Right sir. Once we've secured the scene we will call you to come down to the station and give a statement.
GEORGE: Do I have time for a cuppa?
DICKENS: Yes sir, it will probably be later this afternoon.
GEORGE: Don't you need to take my contact details then?
DICKENS: No sir, we have you on the system. Any questions?
GEORGE looks at the body on the ground then back up at the policeman. He touches his forefinger to his head and exits slowly.
SCENE FOUR
Set on the street, outside a cafe with tables and chairs set up outside. GEORGE is walking towards the cafe, he ties his dog up to an empty chair and then sits down heavily. Enter MAGDA.
MAGDA: George, what can be the matter?
GEORGE: Strong brew love, a strong brew please.
MAGDA: Anything else George?
GEORGE: No, just the cuppa thanks love.
MAGDA exits. GEORGE sighs heavily and rubs his head with his hands. MAGDA enters and leaves his tea on the table, she has bought him two chocolate digestives. MAGDA exits. GEORGE looks up and smiles.
SCENE FIVE
Set in a graveyard, early in the morning, in present day Barking. Enter GEORGE, an old man dressed in winter clothing with a flat cap and his dog SHEP. GEORGE walks through the graveyard, looking behind every gravestone, every tomb and every tree. Once he gets to the other side GEORGE lets out a relieved sigh yet seems a bit disappointed.
SCENE SIX
Set on the street, outside a cafe with tables and chairs set up outside. GEORGE is walking towards the cafe, he ties his dog up to an empty chair and then sits down. Enter
MAGDA, she stand in the cafe doorway.
MAGDA: Good morning George. What will you have today?
GEORGE: Tea my dear, tea. (GEORGE scratches his head.) Oh, and one of those sticky buns please love.
MAGDA smiles and exits. GEORGE is looking up the street. PC BRYANT and PC DICKENS enter.
GEORGE: Morning officers. Taking a break are we? I can recommend the sticky buns.
BRYANT: No Mr Fennyworth. Making an arrest.
GEORGE: You don't mean me?
Enter MAGDA. When she sees the police she stops suddenly spilling the tea and the sticky bun rolls off the plate onto the floor.
BRYANT: Magda Ugneiska, you are arrested for the murder of Peter Watson and Daniel Browbun. You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do mention when questioned something that you later rely on in court. Anything you do say can be given in evidence. Do you understand?
SHEP starts to eat the sticky bun. PC DICKENS removes the cup and plate from MAGDA's hands and handcuffs her. GEORGE looks sadly at MAGDA and then at the sticky bun. PC BRYANT picks up the sticky bun and puts it into an evidence bag.
BRYANT: I'd take Shep to the vets if I were you Mr Fennyworth. (GEORGE looks up sharply in alarm, one hand on SHEP.) She poisoned them.
-ENDS-