ONE TWO, CHA CHA CHA by Claire Buss
Scene One
A man, DEREK, and a woman, SANDRA, are sitting in a car. The woman is driving.
DEREK: Why are we doing this again?
SANDRA: Because we never do anything together.
DEREK: Yes, but why this?
SANDRA: Because it's something I thought we might like.
DEREK: Something you might like you mean.
SANDRA: Well what couples activity do you have in mind?
DEREK: We could go round me mams and watch telly.
SANDRA: No thanks. We do that every bloody night as it is. No-one ever says anything and they both smoke like chimneys. No Derek, I've had enough. I want us to have a hobby and we're trying this.
DEREK: But why do we have to do it together tho love?
SANDRA: Because I can't do it by myself and you're supposed to be my husband. Unless of course you want me doing it with another man.
DEREK: Don't say that love.
SANDRA peers up and down the street.
DEREK: What you doing love?
SANDRA: Looking for parking.
DEREK: You won't find any on Lincoln Road. Not at this time of night. We'll just have to go home.
SANDRA: Will you shush. We can park round the back of Iceland. Walk through.
DEREK: Walk through? On Lincoln Road. That's not very safe is it? Didn't someone get mugged in that car-park? I thought this was supposed to be a fun hobby not a walk into the jaws of danger.
SANDRA: Oh give over. It's over Blockbusters – how bad can it be?
They park the car, get out and walk over to the dance school.
DEREK: Looks up and sniffs. Up here? Looks a bit dodgy if you ask me.
SANDRA: Well it's not. Len Goodman danced here. If it's good enough for him, its good enough for us.
DEREK: Len Goodman. Who the blomin heck is Len Goodman?
SANDRA: Duh duh duh duh duh duh duhhhhhh, duh duh duh duh duh.
DEREK shrugs.
SANDRA: Strictly?
DEREK: Strictly what?
SANDRA: You know – seven!
DEREK looks blank.
SANDRA: Oh my word. That two hour program I watch every Saturday night – the one with the dancing.
DEREK: You mean the poofters on ice?
SANDRA: No dear, that's something else. Anyway – are we going in then?
DEREK: If we must.
They go through the door and exit the stage.
Scene Two
DEREK and SANDRA are sat in a cloakroom with some other couples. People are changing their shoes.
DEREK: Four quid.
SANDRA: What about it.
DEREK: Four quid each to ponce about for an hour.
SANDRA: Will you give over? It's nice for the two of us to have an evening out.
DEREK: Yes love. DEREK points to a man changing his shoes. What's he doing?
SANDRA: He's putting his dance shoes on.
DEREK: But they've got heels!
SANDRA: Yes, they're supposed to. It helps with heel turns and getting your rise and fall right.
DEREK turns to stare at his wife.
DEREK: It does what?
SANDRA: Oh be quiet. Just because I have a passion.
DEREK: A passion! It sounds like you swallowed a bloomin dance directory. What've you got in that bag?
SANDRA: Dance shoes.
DEREK: Dance shoes! I'm not wearing heels like some, like some...
SANDRA: They're not for you. They're mine. She takes out a sparkly pair of black shoes and changes her trainers for them, then admires her feet.
DEREK: How much did they cost?
SANDRA: Thirty-five quid.
DEREK: Thirty-five quid? What if you don't like it eh? What if they sit in the cupboard from now until the end of time? Thirty-five quid.
SANDRA: I will like it, I do like it.
DEREK: How do the bloody hell do you know?
SANDRA: Cos I've done it before. When I was younger.
DEREK: When you were younger? You're like a stranger to me tonight. Done it before. Never seen fit to mention it have you. Dragging me along.
SANDRA: Will you be quiet. It's our turn to go in. C'mon love – it'll be fun.
Scene Three
There are several couples standing in the dance hall and a small, older lady, EDNA, stands in the middle.
EDNA: Welcome everyone, welcome. This is beginners ballroom for couples – now, anyone done any dancing before.
There's a lot of looking at each other around the room and foot shuffling.
EDNA: Okay, lovely. Let's make a start. Now normally I begin with basic jive steps but I've just had a hip replacement so we'll be starting with the Cha Cha Cha tonight. Everyone get their partners and form a circle.
SANDRA: C'mon love, let's go here. They stand up and join the others.
DEREK: Well, what are we supposed to do now?
EDNA: Men on the outside please.
There's shuffling. DEREK & SANDRA were the wrong way round.
EDNA: Now hold hands everyone and gentlemen you take left foot back, ladies you follow with right foot forward then come back together. Ready? One and back, one and back, one and back. Very nice.
DEREK: Oh this is easy love, they just try to make it look hard on the telly.
SANDRA: Shush, she's talking again,
EDNA: Now the count of a Cha Cha Cha is one-two cha cha cha, one-two cha cha cha so I want you to step on one, hold for two and return on the cha cha cha. Everyone ready? Begin. One-two cha cha cha, one-two cha cha cha. Let's have a little music shall we?
Music blares. Derek steps forward instead of back and steps on Sandra's toes. She yelps and they loose time with everyone else.
Scene Four
DEREK is sweaty and huffing with effort in the cloakroom.
DEREK: Bloody hell love that was like training for a marathon.
SANDRA: But did you enjoy it though?
DEREK: Oh I don't know love, it's quite complex. I don't think I'll be able to remember the steps. He relents when he sees SANDRA looking sad. Well, mebbe love, mebbe.
SANDRA & DEREK look up as a new couple enters.
BOB: Derek! Me old mucker – I didn't expect to see you here. Been having fun have you?
SHEILA: Hello Sandra love, you got him here then.
SANDRA: Yeah, you alright? How's it going?
SHEILA: It's great – we're doing Tango tonight, I can't wait.
DEREK: Tango eh? Sounds painful.
BOB: It's brilliant mate, keeps you fit and the socials here aren't half bad. Beers cheap.
DEREK: There's a bar?
BOB: Oh yeah – they have social every Friday. We're going this week – you up for it?
DEREK: Yes mate, see you there. C'mon love.
BOB & SHEILA wave goodbye as DEREK & SANDRA move away to the door.
SANDRA: You really mean it?
DEREK: Mean what love?
SANDRA: That we can come again. And do the socials like.
DEREK: I am not having Bob Gifford looking down at me at work because I can't work out a simple Cha Cha Cha. And anyway, it's about time I did something to keep fit. We free Friday?
SANDRA: Yes love.
Scene One
A man, DEREK, and a woman, SANDRA, are sitting in a car. The woman is driving.
DEREK: Why are we doing this again?
SANDRA: Because we never do anything together.
DEREK: Yes, but why this?
SANDRA: Because it's something I thought we might like.
DEREK: Something you might like you mean.
SANDRA: Well what couples activity do you have in mind?
DEREK: We could go round me mams and watch telly.
SANDRA: No thanks. We do that every bloody night as it is. No-one ever says anything and they both smoke like chimneys. No Derek, I've had enough. I want us to have a hobby and we're trying this.
DEREK: But why do we have to do it together tho love?
SANDRA: Because I can't do it by myself and you're supposed to be my husband. Unless of course you want me doing it with another man.
DEREK: Don't say that love.
SANDRA peers up and down the street.
DEREK: What you doing love?
SANDRA: Looking for parking.
DEREK: You won't find any on Lincoln Road. Not at this time of night. We'll just have to go home.
SANDRA: Will you shush. We can park round the back of Iceland. Walk through.
DEREK: Walk through? On Lincoln Road. That's not very safe is it? Didn't someone get mugged in that car-park? I thought this was supposed to be a fun hobby not a walk into the jaws of danger.
SANDRA: Oh give over. It's over Blockbusters – how bad can it be?
They park the car, get out and walk over to the dance school.
DEREK: Looks up and sniffs. Up here? Looks a bit dodgy if you ask me.
SANDRA: Well it's not. Len Goodman danced here. If it's good enough for him, its good enough for us.
DEREK: Len Goodman. Who the blomin heck is Len Goodman?
SANDRA: Duh duh duh duh duh duh duhhhhhh, duh duh duh duh duh.
DEREK shrugs.
SANDRA: Strictly?
DEREK: Strictly what?
SANDRA: You know – seven!
DEREK looks blank.
SANDRA: Oh my word. That two hour program I watch every Saturday night – the one with the dancing.
DEREK: You mean the poofters on ice?
SANDRA: No dear, that's something else. Anyway – are we going in then?
DEREK: If we must.
They go through the door and exit the stage.
Scene Two
DEREK and SANDRA are sat in a cloakroom with some other couples. People are changing their shoes.
DEREK: Four quid.
SANDRA: What about it.
DEREK: Four quid each to ponce about for an hour.
SANDRA: Will you give over? It's nice for the two of us to have an evening out.
DEREK: Yes love. DEREK points to a man changing his shoes. What's he doing?
SANDRA: He's putting his dance shoes on.
DEREK: But they've got heels!
SANDRA: Yes, they're supposed to. It helps with heel turns and getting your rise and fall right.
DEREK turns to stare at his wife.
DEREK: It does what?
SANDRA: Oh be quiet. Just because I have a passion.
DEREK: A passion! It sounds like you swallowed a bloomin dance directory. What've you got in that bag?
SANDRA: Dance shoes.
DEREK: Dance shoes! I'm not wearing heels like some, like some...
SANDRA: They're not for you. They're mine. She takes out a sparkly pair of black shoes and changes her trainers for them, then admires her feet.
DEREK: How much did they cost?
SANDRA: Thirty-five quid.
DEREK: Thirty-five quid? What if you don't like it eh? What if they sit in the cupboard from now until the end of time? Thirty-five quid.
SANDRA: I will like it, I do like it.
DEREK: How do the bloody hell do you know?
SANDRA: Cos I've done it before. When I was younger.
DEREK: When you were younger? You're like a stranger to me tonight. Done it before. Never seen fit to mention it have you. Dragging me along.
SANDRA: Will you be quiet. It's our turn to go in. C'mon love – it'll be fun.
Scene Three
There are several couples standing in the dance hall and a small, older lady, EDNA, stands in the middle.
EDNA: Welcome everyone, welcome. This is beginners ballroom for couples – now, anyone done any dancing before.
There's a lot of looking at each other around the room and foot shuffling.
EDNA: Okay, lovely. Let's make a start. Now normally I begin with basic jive steps but I've just had a hip replacement so we'll be starting with the Cha Cha Cha tonight. Everyone get their partners and form a circle.
SANDRA: C'mon love, let's go here. They stand up and join the others.
DEREK: Well, what are we supposed to do now?
EDNA: Men on the outside please.
There's shuffling. DEREK & SANDRA were the wrong way round.
EDNA: Now hold hands everyone and gentlemen you take left foot back, ladies you follow with right foot forward then come back together. Ready? One and back, one and back, one and back. Very nice.
DEREK: Oh this is easy love, they just try to make it look hard on the telly.
SANDRA: Shush, she's talking again,
EDNA: Now the count of a Cha Cha Cha is one-two cha cha cha, one-two cha cha cha so I want you to step on one, hold for two and return on the cha cha cha. Everyone ready? Begin. One-two cha cha cha, one-two cha cha cha. Let's have a little music shall we?
Music blares. Derek steps forward instead of back and steps on Sandra's toes. She yelps and they loose time with everyone else.
Scene Four
DEREK is sweaty and huffing with effort in the cloakroom.
DEREK: Bloody hell love that was like training for a marathon.
SANDRA: But did you enjoy it though?
DEREK: Oh I don't know love, it's quite complex. I don't think I'll be able to remember the steps. He relents when he sees SANDRA looking sad. Well, mebbe love, mebbe.
SANDRA & DEREK look up as a new couple enters.
BOB: Derek! Me old mucker – I didn't expect to see you here. Been having fun have you?
SHEILA: Hello Sandra love, you got him here then.
SANDRA: Yeah, you alright? How's it going?
SHEILA: It's great – we're doing Tango tonight, I can't wait.
DEREK: Tango eh? Sounds painful.
BOB: It's brilliant mate, keeps you fit and the socials here aren't half bad. Beers cheap.
DEREK: There's a bar?
BOB: Oh yeah – they have social every Friday. We're going this week – you up for it?
DEREK: Yes mate, see you there. C'mon love.
BOB & SHEILA wave goodbye as DEREK & SANDRA move away to the door.
SANDRA: You really mean it?
DEREK: Mean what love?
SANDRA: That we can come again. And do the socials like.
DEREK: I am not having Bob Gifford looking down at me at work because I can't work out a simple Cha Cha Cha. And anyway, it's about time I did something to keep fit. We free Friday?
SANDRA: Yes love.